Terrors

Fandom and fangirLs are scary things, eh. And the internet makes them even more scarier.
I guess I’m pretty Lucky Internet was stiLL a commodity equaL to exotic rare birds when I had the hugest ceLebrity crush on Josh Hartnett and Scott Moffatt so I’ve never had a chance to go baLListic whenever I heard they were dating anyone. Or when I heard Chester Bennington remarried.

Kids these days, though.

I understand if those fangirLs feeL possessive over some musicians/actors/idoLs’ works, but I don’t get how they feeL that they possess controL over said musicians/actors/idoLs’s personaL Life. And then going as far as harrassing anyone suspected (or proven) to have personaL, speciaL reLationship with their objects of idoLatry. ProbabLy because the internet made it easier to get to know the idoLs in LeveLs unimaginabLe just 5 years ago, with no respect to privacy? And maybe because now it’s super easy to reach out to those idoLs, to say something, to give them messages and a piece of your mind without ever meeting them personaLLy?
Kids these days are greedy, huh? They expect their favorite musicians/actors/idoLs to keep on working and make fans (them) happy, but when the idoLs seem to have find personaL happiness that doesn’t invoLve them, they go berserk.
Maybe because they’re stiLL kids.

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Oh!

Okay. Now I know why I’m quite attracted to him. He kind of Looks Like young Kevin Bacon in FootLoose. OnLy rounder.

ALways a fooL trying to be cooL

I Love how One OK Rock keeps bombing my birthday month for two years in a row. Last year, the concert. This year, FOOL COOL ROCK is screened on some LocaL cinemas, onLy for this weekend. And of course, originaLLy pLanning just to see it once on Friday, I ended up seeing it again yesterday and today. Because FCR is quite a spectacLe. NostaLgia ran high and I think me and MP managed to annoy the heLL out of some other peopLe by our squeaLing and cLapping and singing aLong. And I got teary eyed each time Wherever You Are is on.

That Leads me to this question: Is it normaL to stiLL be fangirLing at my age? When my friends Left and right are pLanning their weddings, I’m stiLL Lusting after Tubby’s sweater and backpack and fawning over Papa Leader’s terrific hair and cooL man-bag. I just hope The Mothership wiLL never find out what I reaLLy did this weekend (and how many times I’ve seen Rurouni Kenshin Kyoto Inferno and The Legend Ends in totaL).

Okay, anyway. FCR has reaLLy made me appreciate the band more. I don’t care if in Japan peopLe say One OK Rock is a band for middLe-schooLers and juveniLes, I LOVE THEM.
I Love Toru for having the idea of forming a band and how he kind of get freaky in his own cooL way.
I Love Taka’s voice and his ambition to make the band better (even though some of his recent actions are.. questionabLe).
I Love Ryota for sticking with the band and growing up together with it and how he can charm his way into the hearts of some thousands of us back in Lapangan KoLam Renang Senayan on November 24th 2013.
I Love Tomoya for showing his Love for the band and the other guys with his own painfuL way and his megagaziLLion watt smiLe and his infectious Laugh and his hair and his striped vests and his.. his.. funny dances ^^

And just for this weekend, I think I kind of Like Decision.

 

O brother

Four years before I was born, my mother had a miscarriage. If it hadn’t happen, I wouLd have had a big brother.

ProbabLy that’s why I’ve aLways Look for a brother figure and fantasize about “What if my Big Brother had been born”. (I’ve taLked about this with the Mothership, and she toLd me “You want a big brother? Go find a husband.” Sigh.)

If Big Brother was here, right now a wouLdn’t be aLone at the house whiLe the parents are going Hajj (though maybe I wouLdn’t be abLe to go out ‘tiL drop Like I have pLanned :p).
If Big Brother was here, maybe I wouLd be reLieved off the duty of giving the parents grandchiLdren.
If Big Brother was here, maybe he wouLd have taught me how to bike and drive.
If Big Brother was here, maybe I wouLd have a better debating and arguing and bantering skiLLs Learned from aLL the years of fighting. 
If Big Brother was here, maybe I wouLd have had someone who’d teLL me everything wiLL be fine.

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Awwww Oji, you make me want to cut my hair again..

So what had triggered this Big Brother sentiment?
NusantaRanger’s Latest chapter, Debur.
EspeciaLLy that page above. Yes, yes, Rena and Oji are not bLood reLated, but seeing their dynamics in this chapter just made me go sniffLes and I need 5 minutes of meditation in the office Loo to caLm myseLf (and thus this post is born).

‘Kay, off to reread NusantaRanger again.

Running with the windmiLL in my head

So. I watched The Raid 6 times. I watched Pacific Rim 6 times. And today I just broke my personaL record of watching a fiLm repeatedLy for 7 times (edit – 8 times per October 8th, and wiLL stop at 8)(edit – saw it for the 9th time on October 19th. Sue me). The honor goes to Rurouni Kenshin: Kyoto Inferno.
To commemorate this speciaL occasion, I’LL just make a post about each and every eight viewing sessions, and I’LL try very hard not to make it an ode to Sato Takeru. But I can’t say I’LL try to make this short and spoiLer-free.

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Just because I want some drama

Yesterday was the Indonesian presidentiaL eLection. Voters had made their choice, between Candidate P and Candidate J. I had hoped things wiLL quickLy settLe down to normaL, no more bLack campaigns and onLine & sociaL media wars between both camp.
And then this tweet happened.

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Rough transLation: If Candidate J wins, I will unshare & unfollow the friends who supported him and dissed Candidate P. WHATEVER.

That was coming from a coLLege friend – office coLLeague.
In response to another mutuaL friend, she said: Sorry if I’m too frontal, I think I’m going to be sick of seeing his face everywhere for the next 5 years.

And now, I am SUPER tempted to conduct a LittLe experiment. I want to start gushing on sociaL medias about how good Candidate J is just to make her unshare me onLine, and to see how she’d act toward me in reaL Life. I’ve heard this had happened to many peopLe out there, oLd friends dissing each other on sociaL medias because of their different choices and turning into enemies in reaL Life. It puzzLed me, Like, REALLY, PEOPLE? But now a case has appeared near me, and I’m itching to.. prove something, maybe.
Or maybe I just have too much free time.

But I never reaLLy Like Candidate P, anyway.

Ten out of how many?

My mother is on fire in a mission to find a potentiaL father for her grandchiLdren (sadLy, these guys don’t make it into her List). She has some heLps. Among one of the most enthusiastic heLper is my cousin, the cLosest to her and my aLmost-sister. This cousin aLways say “I’m going to introduce you to a friend who’s a piLot” or “I know a guy who works in an oiL company and is doing very weLL” and things Like that, but because I was being my ignorant seLf, I never get to see those guys. UntiL Last week, I agreed to Let her to set me off with this guy she knows. The date is stiLL undecided. Then yesterday she caLLed and this foLLowing conversation occured:

Le Cousine >> So can we meet up on Wednesday?
Me >> Sure.
LC >> Can you get out early from work?
Me >> I don’t know. I can get out as earLy as 4:30. (Was starting to get annoyed)
LC >> Good, because we have to go to the salon first. We have to make you fabulous. What are you going to wear, then? Do you have a dress for office days? Something to make you look more girly?
Me >> No. (Was annoyed)
LC >> Then maybe we need to stop at Zara, too..
Me >> Is that reaLLy necessary? (Was super annoyed)
LC >> Of course that’s necessary, Dear. When we meet someone new, especially a ‘potential candidate’, in the first ten meetings we have to fake ourselves. Glam up, doll up. After that, it’s up to you. I did that with my husband when I just met him.
Me >> Fine. (Was annoyed and horrified)
LC >> Great. Don’t forget to bring your contact lenses on Wednesday.

ReaLLy????

So, in order to ensnare a ‘potentiaL candidate’ I have to be someone I’m not and then after 10 meetings I can scratch my butt in front of his nose? On the other hand, I know what my cousin’s sociaL circLe is Like. The circLe that requires frequent trips to hair saLons and boutiques to stay inside. But reaLLy, having to do the hair and buy new cLothes just to meet a stranger sounds exhausting to me. And today is onLy Sunday.

And I’m not going to write about the “what if”s. I guess that wiLL have to wait untiL.. Thursday.

 

This. Is actuaLLy happening -___________________-

I Like my current job. To be specific, I Like my current job at my current department. It can be a LittLe boring when we don’t have anything to do, but actuaLLy we have Lots of interesting projects this year.

Then yesterday The Boss toLd me that one of the marketing department wants to ‘puLL’ me to their team.

I wanted to cry. I immediateLy thought of resigning. The Boss said don’t even consider resigning. He said he couLd see some ‘marketing quaLity’ in me. He said the decision is aLL up to me and I shouLd reeeeeaLLy think about it because this is a good chance for me. I was aghast.

I am scared.

ObviousLy, the job and the work Load wiLL be different. The Uppers wiLL definiteLy expect to expLoit my aLready non-existent Japanese skiLLs because that department is the damn one which deaLs with aLL our Japanese costumers. There wiLL be tons of technicaL materiaLs and product knowLedge to study. The pressure wiLL be bigger. The targets. HoLy crap I’m scared.

It is aLso quite exciting, yea. CLearer career path, bigger opportunity, faster promotion, and yada yada. I wouLd aLso be abLe to meet new peopLe, expand my network, improve my communication skiLLs, and yada yada. ALso this couLd be a big opportunity to do an ‘inside-troubLeshooting’ and maybe after a coupLe of years I couLd ask to be transferred back to my current department and work to improvement with what I’ve gained from the experience.

But I don’t know how much Longer I want to stay in The Company. I’m not a Marketing person, despite everything The Boss said. My passion is not there. But then again, I don’t even know what my passion is.

Cheesus I’m confused. *bLares One OK Rock’s Answer Is Near*

I aLmost forget what it feeLs Like..

.. to be broken hearted.
Wait, I don’t know if broken heart is the right word for my current.. situation.

But the tightening of the chest.
The difficuLty of breathing.
The bLankness of the mind.
The non-stop urge to cry when the mind functioned again.
The need to hug someone just to ease the weight of this.. feeLing.

All I know is this happen because I’m too stupid, because I Let myseLf get in too deep. But it was fun. But then this happen.

Now excuse me, I’m going to grow some mushrooms in my cubicLe.

Whoa wow wait

Is it scary when a 22 years oLd coLLege student bareLy starting her graduation thesis screamed “I want to get married!” whiLe you, a Late mid-20something just started pLanning for another vacation without a sLightest care on how you’d give your parents some grandchiLdren when it’s pLainLy obvious that they’re aLready wanting some?

Happy new year.

I haven’t feLt this high since Linkin Park

So yesterday I went to see One OK Rock’s concert in Jakarta.

Before I go further, I have to make a confession. I’ve known One OK Rock since around 2011, but had onLy started to reaLLy Listen to them since.. weLL, The Beginning (it’s an awesome song, OK?). I don’t even have any physicaL form of their aLbums, just downLoaded the Last three iLLegaLLy (oops). In fact, buying a ticket for their concert was aLmost a gambLe, because  I don’t know anyone who reaLLy Like OOR enough to go see them with me — LuckiLy I found out a workmate is obsessed about them, so off I went.

And damn I’m gLad I bought that ticket. I haven’t feLt that high since Linkin Park’s concert in 2011 (not to discredit Jason Mraz’s concert in 2012, but Jason’s show was entireLy a different thing. His was Like a journey to reach a spirituaL zen nirvana, whiLe LP and OOR’s were Like a body-numbing physicaL orgasm). The difference is, Linkin Park and I have been together since I was in middLe schooL, and we’ve been through a Lot together. WhiLe One OK Rock is..– to crudeLy transLate a phrase in Indonesian– just a yesterday’s kid. But for a yesterday’s kid to made me reached that LeveL of pure high satisfaction, that means they are indeed very good.

And now I’m dweLLing in a state of fataL post-concert depression — even MORE fataL than the one I had after LP, and I’m kinda refusing to move on.

Is this normaL? I’ve been asking this question because it seems highLy unnaturaL for a mid-20s Like me to become so obsessive over a rock band. Yesterday, everyone around me were coLLege students and high schooLers. It’s normaL for them to be hyper, to bang their heads with abandon, to sing aLong and scream their favorite member’s name (TOMOYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA) on the top of their Lungs. I guess their energy must have rubbed off into oLd-me, because Last night I was stiLL giggLing hystericaLLy at midnight, chatting with the workmate on the phone. Those who foLLowed me on Twitter and Path must know that I’m stiLL haLf-dreaming. I feLt 21 again. Is that normaL?

(WhiLe yesterday at 9 pm -whiLe I was getting high- a high schooL friend gave birth to her first chiLd. Now that seems Like a normaL thing to do for a femaLe my age.)

But what the heLL. It feeLs so good to be young.

I know. I don’t know.

‘I don’t know’ will not get you anywhere.

That’s what my father said. If there are two things he hate the most about me, they are my penchant of not answering or repLying to anything he said, and my penchant to answer everything with ‘I don’t know’.
So he’d aLways griLL me for a definite answer. An exact answer and pLan. Maybe that’s why I aLways demand cLear answers from other peopLe. Maybe that’s why I can’t go with haLf-cooked pLans. And when others can’t give me answers, I’d be tempted to take controL, even if I’d be the party pooper in the end.

I Love my mother, but..

..spending aLmost a fuLL day with her kind of stressed me out.

When she suggested we shouLd go somewhere out of J-town for the next Long weekend, I feLt Like there was a pair of coLd, iron fists pushing the insides of my chest out. Even taLking about fLight tickets give me headache. I know it wouLd be onLy for a coupLe of days and night, but the thought of having to stick around her and to everything together is scary. I know it wouLd be a very good chance for a.. um, compromise practice, besides, she have been compromising her whoLe Life since the day I popped in her beLLy, for heaven’s sake. But the thought stiLL gives me coLd sweat.

I’m such a bad daughter 😦